“Unless both sides win, no agreement can be permanent.”– Jimmy Carter
Every relationship goes through a honeymoon phase.
The honeymoon phase is the beginning of a relationship when the connection feels euphoric. It feels exciting, fun and dreamy. The sex is bomb, passionate and ‘the best you ever had.’
The honeymoon phase is generally when both partners confess their love for each other, plan for the future and tell their friends they’ve found “the one.”
According to Rhonda Freeman Ph.D., “the intense emotions that follow new love have an extraordinary impact on our thoughts, mood, and behavior.”
However, there comes a time when both partners have their first serious conflict. This snaps them back to reality, shows them that the honeymoon phase is an illusion, and forces them to notice that the relationship is going to take conscious effort to succeed.
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Do You Have Healthy Conflict Resolution Skills?
After the first serious conflict, unresolved abandonment issues start to affect the relationship. This includes destructive behaviors, trust issues and childhood trauma. Ultimately, creating a more volatile environment where conflict will happen more frequently.
However, conflict is not bad. It’s both partner’s way of resolving conflict that makes it good or bad.
A relationship where both partners display healthy conflict management has a solid foundation of emotional intimacy, emotional healing and environmental safety. On the other hand, a relationship where both partners display unhealthy conflict management has a unstable foundation of resentment, further trauma and insecurity.
Examples of unhealthy conflict management are:
- passive aggression
- blaming
- gaslighting
- threatening
- screaming
- domestic violence
- shutting down
- withholding love and affection
- complying
- explaining
- defending
- teaching
- avoiding
If you struggle with any of these unhealthy ways of managing conflict, I’d like to introduce you to a strategy that will make you more successful at it.
Taking A Pause: A Conflict Resolution Strategy
How do you usually respond during conflict?
Do you throw things?
Do you get angry and raise your voice?
Are you the type of person that defends yourself, explains yourself or keeps the peace?
Are there times when you shut down and use the silent treatment?
If you use any of these behaviors during conflict, you are more likely to sabotage your relationship.
In fact, any response other than being open to listen and learn is a poor way to resolve conflict.
Most people will respond to this statement by asking, “How is it possible to be open to listen and learn when there’s a lot of tension in the room and inside our bodies during conflict?” Well, it’s very possible.
No matter how angry and upset you feel during a conflict, you can always calm down and become open to learn from the disagreement.
To calm down and become open to learn during a disagreement, the first thing to do is take a timeout from interacting with your partner. This might include leaving the room, going for a drive or putting in some earphones. This conflict management strategy is called taking a pause.
Taking a pause is the most powerful conflict management strategy you and your partner can use. By taking a pause, you allow yourself to release the tension taking place inside of you during a conflict rather than expressing the tension through abusive behaviors, such as blaming and screaming. Also, by taking a sacred pause, you can calm down enough to communicate your feelings and needs in a loving and respectful way. This increases the chances of receiving a loving and respectful response from your partner.
Conclusion
Most people have difficulty staying calm and connected to themselves during conflict. This is because conflict triggers survival instinct, also known as the “fight or flight response,” and limits the ability to think rationally.
Rather than focusing on resolving conflict in an open and compassionate way, most people are dominated by the fear of losing themselves or the fear of losing their partner. This fear destroys all possibilities of successfully managing conflict.
It is never a good idea to act from a place of emotion, especially during conflict. You will always do something you regret. This is the reason taking a pause is the most important thing to do before you attempting to address the disagreement. The more calm you are, the more you can connect with yourself, understand what you need and communicate these needs effectively.
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