“Behind every happy couple lies two people who have fought hard to overcome all obstacles and interferences to be that way. Why? Because it’s what they wanted.”– Kim George
Relationship Healthy After The Honeymoon Phase
If you think relationships are supposed to be easy, you’re wrong. Relationship are a never ending process of growth, learning and healing, which goes through unhealthy and healthy stages. Some stages are easy, and other stages are challenging. In general, every relationship travels through three stages: (1) merging, (2) diverging and (3) converging. I’ve listed examples of each below: Merging Stage • when you first start dating • getting to know each other • past relationship trauma is hidden beneath the surface • you’re more likely to overlook red flags • you start planning for a future together • you think you’re “in love,” but you’re actually just in the honeymoon phase Diverging Stage • this is the stage where nearly every relationship ends (6 months – 36 months) • the relationship becomes less exciting • you have your first major argument or disagreement • one partner pulls away, and the other keeps pushing towards • one partner sees there’s more to life than the relationship, and the other hasn’t accepted this yet • this is where unhealthy behaviors and childhood trauma becomes noticeable Converging Stage • this is where both partners accept there’s more to life than the relationship • this is where both partners have learned how to successfully manage their relationship • this is where both partners have a clear understanding of each other’s needs and wants • both partners have mastered growing as individuals and as a couple I have not seen one relationship go from merging stage, also known as the honeymoon phase, to the converging stage without challenges. In fact, most couples never make it. In this article, you will learn seven ways to maintain a healthy relationship long after the honeymoon phase.
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Evaluate Each Other’s Needs, Wants and Desires
During the honeymoon phase, you don’t talk much about what you need, want and desire from each other. In fact, during the honeymoon phase, everything your partner does seems so perfect. But guess what? Nothing’s perfect. After a while, the excitement and euphoric feelings that come with the honeymoon phase will fade away. Then, you and your partner will realize that there’s many different factors that is going to determine the success of your relationship. The main thing that will determine the success of your relationship is the ability you have to meet each other’s needs. Therefore, after the honeymoon phase, you and your partner need to become clear on what your needs are. This includes answering the following questions: How much time do I require in a relationship? How much time does my partner require in a relationship? What type of relationship am I looking for? What type of relationship is my partner looking for? How much affection do I require? Am I able to be affectionate enough for my partner? Is it important for me to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally supportive? Does my partner understand how to be emotionally supportive? Do you want to get married and have kids? Does your partner want to get married and have kids? Each of these questions and many more need to be explored and discussed after the honeymoon phase. If you don’t make time to evaluate what you need, want and desire from each other, you’re eventually going to feel dissatisfied with the relationship. It is also important to continually evaluate what you need from each other throughout the relationship. Unfortunately, what you needed three years ago might be different than what you need currently.
Make Time For Each Other
Time is the best investment you can make in your relationship. “The best gift you can give anyone is to spend quality time with them,” says Laurence Overmire. “Nothing replaces quality, focused time with your spouse,” says Ryan Frederick, writer for Fierce Marriage. The couples who spend the most time together feel the most connected to each other. If you want to maintain a healthy relationship, you and your partner need to make time for the following:
- Going on dates
- Having sex
- Having conversations about the relationship
- Being present with each other (no technology or any other distractions)
Be Trustworthy
Safety is the highest achievement in a relationship. If you can make your partner feel safe with you, then you are doing your job as a relationship partner. What’s the best way to make someone feel safe with you? Trustworthiness. Trustworthy behaviors create safety. There are five different trustworthy behaviors:
- Honest Communication
- Respecting Boundaries
- Reliability
- Predictability
- Loyalty
You can learn more details about these trustworthy behaviors in my book No Trust, No Love.
Be Very Affectionate
One main cause of relationship dissatisfaction is a decline in affection. Couples stop being affectionate, and it sabotages their emotional connection. Rather than feeling emotionally connected, relationships with decreasing amounts of affection create feelings of resentment, increases insecurities, and opens the door for infidelity. Nevertheless, when couples maintain high levels of affection, there are less insecurities, feelings of a strong connection and almost no chances of infidelity. According to a research study by Britta Müller et al., “Satisfaction within the relationship can be predicted by the importance of affection.” Therefore, if you want to maintain a relationship after the honeymoon phase, you and your partner cannot afford to stop being affectionate with each other. In fact, you need to be more affectionate the longer you are together. Hold hands. Cuddle in bed. Passionately kiss each other after a long day at work. Give massages. These are the little things that make a big difference.
Have Healthy Conflict Management
Conflict is expected in relationships. How these conflicts are managed determines the health of a relationship. If you and your partner can manage conflict in a way that creates safety, growth and healing, then your connection will strengthen. On the other hand, if you and your partner manage conflict in a way that creates insecurity, no growth and more trauma, then your connection will weaken. When a relationship is observed over a seven year timeframe, the difference between happy couples and unhappy couples is noticed by observing how they managed conflicts over those seven years. Therefore, if you want your relationship healthy after the honeymoon phase, you and your partner need to learn healthy conflict management skills.
Don’t Hesitate To Get Outside Help
There’s three different ways to maintain a relationship:
- Individual Maintenance
- Interdependent Maintenance
- Social Maintenance
Individual maintenance consists of the things you do individually to keep your relationship healthy. Interdependent maintenance consists of the things you and your partner do together to keep the relationship healthy. Social maintenance includes the circle of friends, family and resources that help keep your relationship healthy. One of the most powerful types of social maintenance is relationship therapy or relationship coaching. Relationship therapist and coaches are people who understand the science of relationship and use their knowledge to improve the relationships of others. According to the American Psychological Association, couples counseling as it is currently practiced is roughly 75 percent effective. If you and your partner feel trapped dealing with problems and want to keep your relationship going, don’t hesitate to get outside help. You can schedule a coaching appointment with me here.
Conclusion
“It’s impossible to keep up that kind of level of impressing and going and doing and being involved in each other’s lives that you did during the honeymoon period,” says Jane Greer, author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness from Ruining My Relationship. However, this does not mean maintaining a healthy relationship after the honeymoon phase is impossible. The tips provided in this article will work wonders on your relationship.
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