“Happily ever after doesn’t simply happen. We make it happen.” – Unknown
If you want to chooe in a healthy relationship, you need to be healthy and you need to choose a healthy partner. It’s really that simple. Unfortunately, most people don’t know the difference between an unhealthy person and a healthy person. Thus, increasing their risk of getting in an abusive and unhealthy relationship. There are many things that shouldn’t be ignored about a person, and if you ignore them, they will lead to massive consequences. These things that shouldn’t be ignored are called red flags. Below, there’s a list of red flags to look for before committing to a relationship:
How To Choose A Healthy Relationship
Coming on too strong at the beginning
Do you know that person who says “I love you” after the first date? Do you know someone who wanted to move in together after a couple of months of dating? How about a person who starts planning for marriage and kids before meeting your family and friends? Any person who makes large proposals within a couple months of meeting each other is displaying a red flag. Usually, they are doing this because of some problematic behavior they do not want you to see. By rushing things, their goal is to prevent you from properly analyzing their personality. If you ever find yourself dating someone who is coming on too strong, make sure you put boundaries in place to slow down the pace. Limt your availability and do most interactions in person. Always remember, anything that’s rushed cannot last.
Self-centeredness
Relationships are environments that require empathy, consideration and compromise. All of the characteristics a self-centered person does not have. Therefore, getting in a relationship with a self-centered person is guaranteed to be unhealthy. A self-centered person is someone who:
- only shows interest in their own needs and wants
- has no regard for the needs, wants and desires of others
- blames other people for their problems
- controls conversations
- does not try to understand and consider another person’s point of view
- needs to be the center or attention
Committing to a relationship with a self-centered person is a mistake. It will lead to emotionally abusive and one-sided relationships. Make sure you notice this red flag before moving forward with a relationship.
Disrespects your boundaries
Boundaries are rules you set to help you feel safe in relationships. Every relationship requires boundaries, and more importantly, both partners need to respect each other’s rules. If boundaries are not respected, then the relationship will become an emotionally abusive environment. It will become an environment full of dissatisfaction, resentment and revengefulness. Therefore, when exploring relationship options, look for someone who is capable of respecting your boundaries. Early signs someone will disrespect your boundaries are:
- a person who makes excuses for their bad behaviors
- someone who gets angry when you say “no”
- a person who makes you feel bad about standing up for yourself
Boundaries are a fundamental part of relationships. Therefore, you want to make sure your boundaries matter to your partner before making a commitment. Committing to a relationship with someone who disregards your rules and expectations will never be successful.
Struggles with taking accountability
A relationship cannot succeed without accountability. Both partners need to hold each other accountable, as well as be accountable for their own actions. According to Bob Proctor, “Accountability is the glue that ties commitment to results.” The difference between an accountable and an unaccountable person is his or her capacity to take personal responsibility. Rather than taking personal responsibility, a person who lacks accountability blames others and makes excuses. This is unhealthy for relationships. Therefore, before committing to a relationship, verify that the person you are dating displays the followings signs of accountability:
- owns up to his or her mistakes
- rarely repeats the same mistakes
- avoids living in denial
- keeps agreements
A person who lacks accountability makes relationships difficult. They are less likely to change their behaviors, honor your needs and maintain commitments. You are taking a major risk when getting in a relationship with an unaccountable person.
Has poor emotional intelligence
Relationships are emotional environments. Therefore, they require emotional intelligence to function properly. The more emotionally intelligent both partners are, the more healthy their relationship will be. Someone who has emotional intelligence:
- can effectively communicate his or her emotions
- is aware of what he or she needs
- rarely gets offended or takes things personal
- values emotional responsibility more than emotional projection
- has healthy stress management practices
When you are exploring new relationship partners, be sure to look for emotional intelligence. Since relationships are emotional environments, two emotionally healthy personalities are necessary.
Has poor conflict management skills
You don’t really know someone until you get in a conflict. Conflict is the only thing that has the power to bring up the repressed parts of a person. It is the only thing that can show you their dark side. Therefore, before you commit to a relationship, you want to make sure the person you’re dating practices healthy conflict management. Healthy conflict management includes:
- not needing to yell or scream to get a point across
- knows how to deescalate
- takes emotional responsibility
- does not participate in power struggles
- can agree to disagree
Conflict is unavoidable in relationships. The more intimate you and your partner become, the more likely you are to get in conflicts. Therefore, you want to make sure conflicts are going to be managed in a healthy way.
Has an addiction
Addictions are a sign of intimacy issues. Usually, someone who has an addiction is not fully present in their relationship. Their drug of choice is their preferred object of connection instead of their partner. Ultimately, this leads to the partner of the addict experiencing emotional abuse. The most common addictions are:
- social media
- alcohol
- tobacco
- workaholism
- pornography
- gambling
If you are dating a person who has any of these addictive behaviors, then note it as a red flag. Addictions can add a lot of stress to relationships and have the power to damage a family.
Is financially irresponsible
Some people believe money is everything. Other people believe money is the root of all evil. Regardless of your attitude about money, finances are an unavoidable part of life. The world is an economy and everything has a cost. Furthermore, the better your finances, the better your quality of life and the more opportunities you have. Therefore, you want to make sure the person you are dating is financially responsible. A person who is not financially responsible is:
- has a negative attitude about money
- depends on a credit card for daily expenses
- financially dependent on family or friendses not have a savings or emergency fund
- misses credit card or loan payments
Aside from being financially responsible, you also want to make sure the person you are dating shares similar values about saving, spending and investing money. This is important, especially considering, finances are a leading cause of divorce.
Struggles with honesty and transparency
Honesty is a trustworthy behavior. Transparency is state of being that creates intimacy. Both honesty and transparency are necessary to create a healthy relationship. Therefore, before you get in a relationship, you want to make sure the person is honest and transparent. Signs of honesty and transparency include:
- a person who can open up about his or her emotions
- a person who is neither mysterious nor secretive
- anybody who uses indirect communications to get messages across
- anybody who lies and deceives
If you get in a relationship with someone who lacks honesty and transparency, you are setting yourself up for failure. It is impossible to build trust in a relationship with secrets and deception. Therefore, you want to be sure the person you are dating is honest before committing to a relationship.
Conclusion
The key to healthy dating is to thoroughly analyze people’s personality. When you thoroughly analyze people’s personality, you reduce the risk of getting in an unhealthy relationship. The problem with most people is they move relationships forward too quickly. There seems to be a lack of patience in the current dating environment. Most people to ignore red flags and fail to be pragmatic about the potential risk of a relationship. In fact, there’s no such thing as entering a relationship without risk. However, taking a calculated risk is the key and paying attention to in this article. To learn more about healthy dating, read this article.
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