‘Intimacy transcends the physical. It is a feeling of closeness that isn’t about proximity but of belonging. It is a beautiful emotional space in which two become one.” — Steve Maraboli
Relationships are emotional environments. They require you and your partner to build and maintain an emotional attachment. They require you and your partner to acknowledge and understand each other’s feelings. The better you are at managing emotions, the healthier your relationship will be.
On the other hand, when emotions are unavailable, the health of the relationship suffers. One of the partners gets emotionally abused.
Unfortunately, there is a growing number of emotionally unavailable relationships in the world. You need to protect your heart from these type of interactions. If you find yourself attracted to the unavailable, this series of articles is for you.
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What Does Emotional Unavailability Look Like?
Before you can stop attracting emotionally unavailable relationships, you must learn how to identify an emotionally unavailable personality
The general characteristics of this type of personality includes avoidance tendencies, low emotional intelligence and poor communication.
“When we say someone is emotionally unavailable, we mean that they are not comfortable feeling their own emotions, sharing emotions with others, or being present and responsive to someone else’s emotions,” says Dr. Lindsay Jernigan.
This includes the following behaviors:
No Empathy
According to emotion researchers from Berkeley, “Empathy is the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.”
Having empathy allows for a variety of emotional skills that help maintain an emotional attachment. These skills includes emotional validation, active listening and responsiveness.
A lack of empathy includes:
- self-centeredness
- blaming and gaslighting
- judging and criticizing
- poor listening skills
- crossing boundaries
The entire success of a relationship depends on both partner’s ability to empathize with each other. Thus, make sure the person you are dating can show empathy before making any major commitments.
Struggles To Open Up and Talk About Their Feelings
Intimacy is a magnetic pull that exists beneath the surface.
You cannot build intimacy with surface level interactions and shallow conversations.
You cannot build intimacy through romantic dates and hot sex.
True intimacy is only created by sharing your feelings.
As reported by Ohio University’s Charee Thompson, there is a positive association between relationship quality and the extent to which partners feel their standards for openness are met.
Therefore, when you find someone who struggles with openness, consider them emotionally unavailable. You should never have to guess how a person feels. You should never have to beg someone to open up. Anyone who is emotionally available will always be honest and transparent with you.
Has A History of Casual Relationships
As hookup culture gains popularity, it’s rare to find someone who has not had some type of casual relationship. The “friends with benefits” and “no strings attached” relationship dynamics are becoming more common and acceptable.
According to an article from Brides.com, “Casual dating is a physical and emotional relationship between people who go on dates without necessarily demanding or expecting the extra commitments of a more serious romantic relationship.”
While causal relationships are acceptable, someone who has a history full of casual relationships is emotionally unavailable.
A history of causal relationships includes:
- never being in a committed relationship for more than a year
- only having relationships that are solely focused on sex
- dating multiple people at once without ever formulating a conclusion
When someone is emotionally available, they don’t value casual relationships that much. These are people who generally stay in relationships for long periods of time, crave emotional intimacy and are looking to settle down.
Still Having Contact With An Ex
Aside from coparenting, someone who is still in contact with their ex is emotionally unavailable. Having continued contact with an ex is a great sign that someone has not let go of the relationship. There’s still feelings involved and closure required. Anyone who is still in contact with a past relationship partner will have a hard time fully committing to someone new.
A Workaholic
A workaholic is someone who struggles to find work-life balance. In fact, their attention is almost totally focused on work, career advancement and self-improvement.
There is nothing wrong with this type of person. Oftentimes, they are extremely intelligent and successful. They invest a lot of time and energy into self-improvement, and thus, are well improved individuals. However, this is always at the expense of having good relationships.
According to Maureen Farrel who published So You Married A Workaholic, “On average, couples in which one partner is a workaholic divorce at twice the average rate.”
Workaholics are emotionally unavailable. Since relationships require emotional intimacy, maintaining a relationship with someone who is addicted to busyness can be challenging to connect with.
Struggles With Addiction
Addiction is the sixth leading cause of divorce. A person’s addiction is like a virus that sickens everything in his or her environment, especially his or her relationship. The most common addictions include:
- alcoholism
- food addiction
- sexual addiction
- workaholism
- cell phone addiction
- shopaholism
Generally, these addictive behaviors help an individual cope with feelings of aloneness, depression and unworthiness.
On the other hand, these addictive behaviors do not help a person’s relationship. It can cause many problems such as bankruptcy, job loss, abusive outbursts.
“The primary relationship that a person with substance use disorders has is with their drug of choice,” says Dr. Carolyn Coker Ross. All other relationships are secondary and take a back seat to this.
Has A Bad Attitude About Therapy
One in five Americans have a mental health condition.
It is important that everyone receives help from a mental health professional, especially in time of need.
The failure to get help can lead to personality disorders, maladaptive coping mechanisms and shame cycles. Each of these lead to relationship problems. Of course, therapy is not for everyone; but it is important for everyone to get help when they need it. The reasons someone might avoid therapy includes:
- lacks empathy and the ability to see their faults
- is afraid to explore their pain and shame
- does not want to take accountability
Each of these are signs of emotional unavailability. Before you make a commitment to someone, consider their attitude towards therapy and getting outside help. It will give you the information you need about their emotional capacity.
Conclusion
If you want to stop attracting emotionally unavailable relationships, the first step is to identify signs of an emotionally unavailable personality.
Review this article regularly to to get better at identifying them.
The more you expose yourself to this information, the better your will get at attracting healthy relationships.
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